Monday, March 21, 2011

Show Me The Voice... wait, I'm mute

Yups, another contest :D I am--again--entering with my beloved brainchild, Imaginary Friends. Natalie Fischer is judging, and Brenda Drake's hosting Show Me The Voice! So, the first 250 of my manuscript, I proudly present (;

* * *

Sometimes I wonder why I do this kind of stuff. This was awkward, and my relatives didn’t like it anyway. But still, I couldn’t help being happy. It was my birthday after all.

A timid smile twitched up the corners of my lips ever so slightly. I looked around at the relatives that surrounded me; wanting to shy away from the attention, yet enjoying it all the same. Their mouths were cranked up in wide grins that made mine seem even more inexistent than it already was. Even thought their smiles were probably false, they looked way better than my genuine one.

“Happy birthday to Trinity,” they sang. “Happy birthday to you . . .”

They probably thought I was cold and stoic. Some of their grins were already going stale—probably from looking at my expressionless face for too long. I could see their jaws tiring from keeping their faux friendly faces up, and the smiles were turning upside down from the effort it took to force their teeth to keep baring. I didn’t mean to be like this, seriously.

“Make a wish!” shouted my five-year-old twin cousins, Ricky and Tommy, jumping erratically, silly grins plastered on their faces. Those two were the only ones who didn’t mind my Ice Queen looks. They could always see straight through me and into my true feelings that my body refused to show. I loved them for that.

I wish. . . . I don’t know what to wish for.


  1. Happy to give this a quick look:

    We know the MC is celebrating a birthday, but I'm not sure on what her age is.

    Also the MC contradicts her own emotions. In the first line she says she's happy because it's her birthday, then in all the following paragraphs, she states that they must think she's cold and stoic or barely able to hold up a smile.

    It's her birthday, so why shouldn't she be grinning ear to ear? Who cares if the relatives have cheesy smiles? Someone's birthday is the one day of the year they get to have an excuse to be selfish.

  2. I sense the MC feels happy but can't show how she feels.

    I'd lose the -ever so slightly- part of this sentence. "A timid smile twitched up the corners of my lips ever so slightly" Timid and twitched already give us the idea the size of her smile.

    The birthday song isn't very long that is a short time in which to have smile's go stale. Also, how much do you smile as you sing? And can she really be aware of how she is smiling, how they are smiling, take in the attics of her cousins and get ready to blow out her candles (how many?) all at the same time. Tighten up the thoughts here and move us quickly to the next phase.

    You can have something good here.